“What do YOU think?” I always felt the need to ask.
“Umm, it’s okay, I do not want to be in charge, too much pressure.”
“What do YOU want to do?”
Avoiding confrontation because you do not like conflict.
Being okay with being on the sidelines.
Not feeling confident enough in your own judgment.
Not wanting to speak up in fear of other’s opinions.
Not standing up for yourself.
It’s super hard to say “no” or not have the “perfect answer” to people’s problems.
On top of that, you’re highly sensitive to other’s feelings.
LORDT!
Upon looking up “passive,” in the Merriam-Webster dictionary, here are some of the definitions.
“Receptive to outside impressions or influences.”
“Receiving or enduring without resistance.”
“Tending not to take an active or dominant part.”
Looking at these definitions, I’m like, “OMG this describes some of my past behavior.” The funny thing is, I only started realizing this until recently. I was complacent and not aware of my passivity, until God started opening my eyes after I started to become more in touch with myself. MIND-BLOWN!!!!
I remember in sixth grade, I had a cooking class in school where we would learn to make different foods, like pizza, brownies, etc. We were broken into groups and all had to play a different role within the group. There would be the leader who was responsible for telling all of the group members what to do. I remember when it was my turn to be the leader, it was harder for me because my personality was so passive. I was so used to just doing what others told me or trying to please others, that when it came my turn to lead, it was challenging. I remember one of the girls telling me, “Why aren’t you telling us what to do?” Truth is, I wasn’t confident enough in my own judgment and it could also be a reflection of how I was feeling about myself.I didn’t feel worthy or capable of being a leader. I did not feel worthy as a person. And that was SIXTH GRADE. I’m almost twenty-four and still unlearning these behaviors.
I think my passivity and people-pleasing stems from my childhood. I was a little different in that I was not following the most popular fads, behaviors or topics, I was just being a kid. As a result, some girls and others during elementary school used to critique or bully me for not being like them, and I just never felt enough or always felt like I had to change, so I was always trying to please them. I definitely did face rejection, comparison, and feelings of isolation from others at a young age. It’s crazy how that has stuck with me, internally. I was also very shy and introverted, so I never was one to aggressively make the first moves.
I also think my upbringing plays a part in my passivity and people-pleasing. My parents are TRINIDADIAN, haha. They grew up in a very rigid culture, where emphasis on “doing” was greater than the emphasis on “being.” They were shamed for making certain mistakes(behavioral, educational,etc), even in school, and this also dates back to slavery. As a result, I grew up in a similar way. I just remember feeling shamed sometimes whenever I did something wrong, and the root of my behavior was not really pursued or took as seriously. It was somehow ingrained in my head that I was always “wrong,” because I was the child and I had to accept that. My feelings or voice did not matter as much as the voice of authority. Everything was about “doing right,” and there was not as much emphasis on “being okay.” Thank God, my dynamic with my parents has shifted tremendously, and is more honest, loving, and understanding,(my parents had to unlearn their upbringing habits from the Caribbean) but growing up, it was not like that all of the time, and I think it played a role in how I viewed myself.
I remember standing in front of hundreds of people on a hot June day for the NBC Health Expo. I was responsible for scanning people’s waiver forms upon entering the stadium. I was cutting through the long line to see if anyone had their waiver QR codes on their phones so they could go through the line faster. Talk about NERVES. For some reason, my scanner was not scanning (I was doing it wrong but did not know). The GUILT was real, when I kept going from person to person and the scanner was not scanning. Eventually, I got some help and learned to do it correctly, but for a while, I was doing it wrong, and felt so bad that I could not get more people through the line faster. I remember telling a lady, “Sorry,” after multiple times of trying to scan her waiver, and she said, “No, no, it’s okay.” That meant the world to me. This is just an example of what being a people-pleaser feels like. I was so devastated that I could not help make these people’s lives a bit more convenient, and yet I did not even give myself any grace for at least trying and eventually getting it right. I was too hard on myself for the sake of others.
Working in retail, I definitely also have realized how much of a people-pleaser I have been. It was so hard for me to say “no,” especially when I first started that job. When a customer would ask for something that we did not have or we were not able to service them for whatever reason, it made me feel guilty, LIKE WHAT. Also, if I was asked to work a longer shift, I almost always said yes, even if I was super exhausted or did not want to. Another example is right after quarantine, our fitting rooms were closed for a long period of time for safety purposes. Customers would come up to me and ask when the fitting rooms would be open again or if they were open. I HATED IT because the inconvenience of the customers bothered me, but there was nothing I could do about it. One of my coworkers told me, “Why are you so scared to tell them no?” Obviously, I had to learn to deal with attitudes and complaining, because it’s inevitable, and it is also not my fault.
Being empathetic means you consider people’s feelings more than the average person would, so yeah, you will give the homeless guy that everyone ignores that $5 dollar bill, you will feel sorry for the same people who hurt you, you will work that extra shift even if you’re fried, you may struggle with keeping boundaries because of how much you want to help others, and even get scrutinized for being “too nice.” It is a challenge sometimes because you want to be able to help others, but if it costs your peace and sanity, then lines have to be drawn. I admit that I need to manage my behavior and boundaries better. I’ve definitely been in situations where people took advantage of me because I did not make my boundaries clear. I was more concerned with helping them that I got lost.
When hanging out with friends, “I’m usually down for anything,” and being the easy-going person I am, I really am down for anything, but there is nothing wrong with voicing my opinion boldly if need be. I realized how easily swayed I could be sometimes, without taking a stance and sticking with it. It’s like I would be too scared to make an aggressive move in fear of an outward reaction, so I would just go with the flow and move with the waves. If I disagreed with someone, I would think hard about voicing my opinion based on the fear of hurting their feelings, even if it was something they needed to hear. If I did voice a disagreement, I would end up feeling guilty, because maybe I did not get the best response. Being the empathetic person I am, I can sometimes care TOO MUCH about other’s feelings, which means I forgive super quickly and is always super nice, even if I need to stand up for myself or speak honestly about something. It’s like between passivity, pleasing people and being super empathetic, I LOST my own voice.
WHEW!!! I think the sting of rejection, resistance, and outbursts plagued me as a child to the point where I would do anything to avoid those feelings, and in turn, it just led to passivity. I preferred things to run smoothly, than face confusion, even if it meant I’d be disrespected or devalued. Thank God those days are over.
In my spiritual journey, I have come to the realization that rejection, adversity, and pain are apart of God’s plan, and I have to accept that. Jesus went through that on a whole different level, and yet that did not affect his character or assignment. JESUS SAID WHAT HE SAID IN THOSE RED LETTERS. The same applies to us. We do not have to be afraid of adversity, because God will use it for our good, and that is all that matters. Let God take care of the hurt.
I am happy to be in a place where I am actively unlearning those behaviors. It is important to really dig deep and ask yourself, “why am I like this and what led to this behavior?” My previous passive behavior does not define me, nor do I think I have to change the core of who I am. It is just time to make some positive changes.
Some suggestions I’d give to anyone struggling with passivity or people-pleasing is ask God to help you, learn to be confident in your own skin, start to love and embrace who you are, stand up for yourself, and TAKE BACK YOUR POWER. It really all starts with how you view yourself. Your thoughts, emotions, and feelings matter. You matter. Do not let anyone or your circumstances make you feel less than or insignificant. PLEASE. We need you and what you offer to the world is valuable.
If anyone reading this can relate or can offer suggestions/advice for this topic, I’d love to read your experiences and feedback!!!!!! Thanks for reading. ❤
Dominique 