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LEARN ABOUT YOU, ENJOY YOU, EMBRACE YOU

For many years, I did not like myself. In fact, I am still dealing with the repercussions. I was unaware of how much of my past still affected me to this day. I was just going through life, nonchalantly, as if nothing happened to me.

To go a little more in detail about my past, which I have mentioned in other posts, I had terrible social anxiety, insecurities, and very low self-esteem, specifically during my teenager phase (middle school into high school). It was depressing. I did not like to be looked at and was super paranoid, did not like to be around people and if I was, I’d get very tense, shy, and anxious. When people would stare at me, it was triggering. I would also get very bitter, angry, envious of others, and was such a mess. I attributed my whole worth to others’ opinion of me. It was like a gray cloud hovering over me, preventing me from living life to the fullest. Man, I cried so much, and hated it.

Recently, during my late night prayer, I just closed my eyes, and was silent. My mind transported back to all of the painful memories of my past. The memories I have not reconciled with nor greeted.

It’s like I had forgotten the tears, affliction, and misery.

Warm tears streamed down my face as I remembered, “what was.” They were not tears of mourning nor pain, but tears of gratitude and remembrance.

LET ME BRAG ABOUT GOD. He has transformed my life in ways I can’t explain, with His love, peace, joy, security, and very BEING. Little by little, He has made me stronger, wiser, and better, through knowledge of His word and my experiences. He is my safety in this dark world, and having that sense of security allows me to live the life He has given me with confidence, even during my darkest moments. His security and love assures me that I am enough in Him. His peace allows me to go through my day without being bombarded with worry, anxiety, and fear. I MEAN, ONLY GOD COULD DO THAT. I am so much more loving and gracious towards others because of His love, I am full of joy for no reason, I am gentler on myself, I am tapping into my own individual authority, I’m doing things I said I’d never do, like MAN!!!!!! Most importantly, I AM LOVING MYSELF MORE. This is why I am so passionate about God. HE DID THAT. I am not the same person I was, and I will be forever thankful for how far He has brought me. You would not even recognize me if you only remembered the “past me.” If not for those struggles, I would not be the person I am, and to see how He still could use that pain, and turn it into such a beautiful story, AMAZES ME!!!!!

While praying, I just felt God telling me that there was still work to be done, battles to fight, behaviors to unlearn, and obstacles to confront. It’s time to confront the areas I have avoided. It’s time to grow and change for the better, and not just stay complacent because it feels good. It’s time to FIGHT, and TAKE BACK WHAT THE ENEMY STOLE. It’s time.

I can honestly say, though, that I am the happiest I’ve ever been, flaws and all. I am starting to accept myself more, embrace myself, and just enjoy myself. To know that I’ve been made with purpose, intention, a unique design, and chosen from the God who created the universe by speaking is enough to make me happy. I’m so excited to keep growing and becoming. It took me a very long time to get to this place, and I feel that it is worthy of celebrating and acknowledging.

I question myself more: Why am I the way I am? Is some of my childhood- adolescence mind-sets still affecting me? What habits and qualities are hindering me? What do I like about myself? How can I be more in touch with my feelings and emotions? I’ve just been digging a little deeper with the famous question: WHO AM I????? And I’ve been loving every second of it. I encourage you to do the same. If you do not ask these questions, you will go through life, powerless, not knowing your true value and potential. If you are not in touch with yourself, you would never be able to be in touch with others. IT IS SO IMPORTANT FOR US TO DO! IT IS WHERE YOUR POWER LIES!

God imagined you, chose you, breathed life into you, made you so intricately and beautifully, with grace, a divine purpose, and love: if that doesn’t get you excited, what else will?! He knows the smallest details about you that you probably would never even notice. He LOVES you so much, I mean, HE IS LOVE! He has an amazing plan for your life, and knows you more than you’ll ever know yourself. He is intentional, very careful about his creation, majestic, all powerful, and every good word in the dictionary. I mean, HE’S EVERYTHING. There’s no YOU without HIM.

Get to know God, and you will learn so much more about yourself, and go on one of the best journeys of your life. I am a witness.

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OPINION: HAPPINESS VS FULFILLMENT- HOMEBODY EDITION

THIS IS FOR THE HOMEBODIES!!!!

No better feeling than taking off the shoes you’ve worn all day. Pulling the hair band out of your hair and letting it down. Changing into your comfy lounge-wear. Jumping into bed and catching up on your favorite shows or reading a delightful book. What can beat this?????
You can be yourself. It’s calm, comfortable, and so convenient. I mean I do not see why anyone wouldn’t want this life? It’s easy. It’s pleasant. It’s bliss.
But, I’d like to ask, can it also be an idol???? Can it potentially block blessings???
Let’s get real.
Do you go to work, excited to come back home??? Do you go out, specifically to a place you’re unfamiliar or uncomfortable with, and your mind is already set on leaving??? Is home almost always your first resort? GUILTY AS CHARGED LOL

Those are just a few examples, but here is the point I am trying to make. Have we(homebodies) allowed our obsession with comfort, stop us from really experiencing and enjoying life? Have we made comfort so big an idol that we’ve potentially missed opportunities of growth, promotion, or enjoyment???

During college, God really began to speak to my spirit. As I sought Him deeper, He began to change my desires. I remember I used to intentionally try to not to have any gaps in my class schedule, so that I could go straight home in the beginning of my college career. I would go to my classes, then come straight home. I did not have much desire to stay on campus or do anything that would require me to face discomfort. Looking back, maybe I wasn’t ready, or my eyes were still being opened, but I was okay with it………….until I wasn’t okay with it.

Being in the comfort of my home brought me so much happiness. No pressure, judgement or heart-racing, just the stillness of being in my room by myself. I am in control, and everything is predictable. Never cared to be around large groups of people or reside in unfamiliar settings, so of course I’d run back to my safe haven. I’d get home, put on my shows, and life was good. The only problem is my spirit was not cosigning with my feelings.

I really remember leaving campus one day, convicted. As I was walking to the bus stop, something in me was unsatisfied or unfulfilled. I could physically and spiritually feel that my inner desire was not to just go home, but to search for MORE. When I tell you, I almost cried, that is how deep the conviction was. My desire was to approach my college experience differently, to explore more, to really make the most of my situation.

Was I perfect? Far from it. But I am grateful for some of the strides I made.

I went to a few meetings on campus concerning writing interests/opportunities. I ended up writing a few opinion articles for the school newspaper, which proved to be fun and eye-opening. I eventually allowed for longer gaps in my schedule in order to stay on campus longer. God blessed me with like-minded individuals who I was able to eat/hang out with on/off campus. I ate out alone(BIG DEAL FOR ME) at different food places. I remember walking into a crowd for our school showcase of different organizations, and I was very anxious because of the amount of students, but still made sure to walk through and discover what was on campus. I explored the area around my university more, and overall changed my outlook.
Could I have done more? ABSOLUTELY.
But these seemingly small efforts that forced me to get out of my comfort zone, proved to be more FULFILLING for me. I was glad I did it. Nothing easy will ever bring fulfillment. Fulfillment only comes when you make the choice to not always choose comfort or familiarity. If I had continued to go straight home and not try to make something of my college experience, I would have been left feeling much more unfulfilled.

You see, happiness is short term. It feels good, and it can be controlled by you. It’s pleasurable and safe. Being home all of the time is the perfect example of that. However, fulfillment, is long-term, worthwhile, and rewarding. Fulfillment will require risk, difficulty, discomfort, adversity, etc, (things we tend to run away from) but it is the true path of a successful life. I can’t think of anything risky or difficult I’ve done, that I don’t feel super proud I did. Challenges make you stronger, wiser, and better than before. Living an easy, comfortable life does absolutely nothing for you.

This message is still for me. I am still trying to find ways to get out of the four walls I’ve grown so attached to. I’m still trying to find comfort in places I consider uncomfortable. I’m still trying to think and look at life differently. I may not be where I want to be, but I’m just happy I’ve made it here. Some suggestions for home-bodies like myself: discover new food or juice spots by yourself or with someone, find a new hobby or activity to partake in, be open to meeting new people anywhere, join a group, create your own masterpieces, and just widen your lens.

This does not just apply to making home an idol. Think of some areas you maybe have allowed comfort to rob you of opportunities with your career, relationships, ambitions, personal goals, etc. What could you do differently in the future???? Don’t be afraid to make some changes, big or small. Just don’t settle with a life you know you’re unfulfilled with.

Just to be clear, I will always be a home-body at heart: nothing is changing that. There is still no place like home. Nothing is wrong with preferring to be home or enjoying the comfort of your home, in fact, it is totally necessary to find contentment at home. What I won’t do anymore is make my home an idol. I will be open to trying new things and not choosing comfort every-time. Home ain’t going nowhere, it will be waiting for me when I get back!
Increase your capacity, friends! We live in a big world and serve a BIG GOD. There is so much for us beyond the four walls we’ve clung so hard to. CHOOSE FULFILLMENT. ❤

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DON’T LET IT DIE.

Plant mamas, please don’t kill me. I am a beginner. I don’t know how this happened.

I guess I got a tad lazy. And negligent.

I made broken promises to take good care of her. To keep watering her. To give her the care and attention she needed. But I failed. And now she’s dying.

When I first bought this plant, it was on sale at Lowes. It was not new, or in the best condition, hence why it was on sale, but it still caught my attention. Anything that resembles a palm tree instantly grabs my eyeballs because I love having an island/tropical vibe in my room. I bought her along with another plant, who is doing fine by the way.

The beginning is always easy. “I GOT THIS,” I said with a smirk. I watered her once a week, made sure she was in the position to get sunlight, kept my eyes on her, and even talked to her a little(I KNOW, WEIRD), and I felt like I was on my own little island. It was quite delightful.

As time went on, I started to water her less frequently. It’s not that I did not admire her, I just stopped prioritizing her. I was preoccupied with other matters, and did not deem her worthy enough. “It’s okay, I’ll just water her tonight.” Tonight turned into tomorrow. Tomorrow turned into next week. Next week turned into two weeks, then three weeks, then, who’s counting?? “I’ll just water her whenever I feel like it.”

I was startled when I saw her first leaf turn brown. I felt kind of bad for her.

How could I allow this to happen? How could I be such a terrible plant mommy? Am I even deserving of that title?

I could not take 30 seconds to water her, once a week???

As I look at her now, and see most of her leaves, withered and lifeless, I feel like I failed her.

Simultaneously, I thought about areas of my life that I have become negligent. Areas of my life that need some water or in other words, attention, care, and consistency.

My relationships. My spirit. My dreams and aspirations. My faith. My self-esteem. My mentality.

You see, it is easy to live life the same. Same routine. Same mind-set. Same expectations.

But, there is no growth, sustenance, or potential recognized. Just the “same old, same old.”

It’s like you’re alive, but living as if you were dead.

This is your reminder to keep watering the areas of your life that need it. Nourish your spirit with God’s word. Speak LIFE over all of the areas of your life that look dead. Be intentional with how you spend your time. Be present. Wake up with joy and expectancy. Expect good things. Read, write, and have meaningful conversations. Laugh. Create memories. Talk to your CREATOR, and He will BLOW YOUR MIND. Life is full of God’s MAJESTY, if you would take the time to recognize it.

Don’t waste your life away.

Don’t allow life to dry up your purpose

Don’t let it die.

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WILL YOU SURRENDER???

                            

This is a question I feel like God has been asking me. Where I want to be and where I am now seems so far apart, and sometimes I find myself getting lost in everyday routines and idleness. When you are in a waiting season for a long time, it is tempting to get stuck there, and you have to continually let God’s word renew your mind and spirit to His truth about your circumstance and identity. As written in a prior blog post, I am a natural planner, and feel like I need to check off boxes before feeling qualified enough to do things, but in my walk of faith, I can no longer do that.

I am at a place where I have subtle hints, but do not have all of the answers(don’t think we ever will). There is uncertainty, and though that can be scary, I am learning that it is okay and probably where God wants me to be. Taking each step forward is all I can do.

I had an epiphany in my family’s kitchen. Our kitchen is newly renovated. Construction started around April of 2021. Next to our kitchen was the tv room, which was destroyed, in order to extend the new kitchen. During this time, our dining room and living room was filled with furniture from the kitchen and tv room along with cardboard boxes from packages because the wooden floors for the new kitchen had to be replaced. In the midst of this process, the second floor was very crowded, messy, dusty, and a headache to look at (LOL). On top of that, we had to temporarily transition to the kitchen in the basement, which was a much smaller space. That itself was an adjustment, because as a family, we had to go down an extra flight of steps whether to bring down groceries, cook food, get food, and then go back to wash our dishes and you know the drill.

Additionally, our top floor bathroom was being renovated, so we had to go downstairs to the bathroom and the basement to shower. Lots of stairs!!! At first, it was aggravating. Imagine waking up half-asleep, and having to go downstairs to the bathroom, multiple times. I remember whispering to myself, “I hate this.” The comfort and convenience was gone. Now, we had to adjust to this new method, and after some time, we did. It became normal, and we learned to make do with what we had, knowing that our reward (new kitchen and new bathroom) would be worth the wait. It was tempting to just complain, but what was being done in this time of construction, was much more important than what we were feeling.

Our tv room was a decent size, but nothing fancy. It was rare that all of us as a family would be in there nowadays, unlike in the past. For the most part, there would be one occupant or two, on occasion, since there is a tv in most of our bedrooms. I used to workout in the tv room in the past, but now I do that in my room. It is safe to say that our tv room no longer served a significant purpose, it was just there. Our former kitchen was old-looking and also was just there like a complacent person, not caring about life. My parents were the ones who were ready to make some changes to this space, and bring life to it.

Fast forward to November 2021. Our kitchen was finally completed, and the bathroom was almost done. The kitchen space was not recognizable to me at first glance. I was amazed by the transformation. A few days ago, I was standing in my kitchen around 11pm and it dawned upon me that I was standing in what was our tv room. Where I used to lay back, watch my shows and do my workouts, now stood this large pantry. The same space where sometimes on Thanksgiving, there was a table that me and my cousins would eat, and shared so many memories, is now part of a new design for this kitchen. The island and cupboards are bigger, nicer, and much better than the old ones. The floors are no longer dirty or squeaky, but smooth and delicate. The stove is much bigger and has so many cool, beneficial effects. The lights are vibrant and aesthetically pleasing. There is a television that definitely gets a lot of use. And there is a dish-washer(LET THE CHURCH SAY AMEN)!! The overall quality of our new kitchen is just BETTER. The same space we used to neglect sometimes, is now much more useful and a delight to be in.

I say all of this to say, if I could go back five years, I never would have thought our kitchen would be looking the way it looks now. I never could have imagined it, because maybe I was okay with the way the kitchen or tv room looked or did not care enough. I was okay with the bare minimum or mediocrity. When my parents would talk about these renovations, I was interested, but not jumping with enthusiasm or joy. But now, looking at the final result, I am so overjoyed. The adjustments, waiting, and construction was all worth it.

    Translating this to life, I think sometimes we get complacent and small-minded about our lives. It may be because we have been waiting for a while and things haven’t been changing. Maybe it is hard for us to see a way out of what we may be going through. As a result, we settle, and never rise above our circumstances. But standing in my family’s new kitchen, I felt like God was telling me that He could do so much through me, if I would just let go of my small-minded thoughts, and surrender my whole life to Him. By surrender I mean, surrendering my desires, comfort, time, thoughts, and honestly everything. In the same way, that my old kitchen and tv room was becoming lifeless and useless, then suddenly refined, fruitful, more effective, and brand new, after some construction, adjustments, and time is what I believe God wants to do through us, if we would just lay up our plans for His. He is a BIG God, His thoughts are above our thoughts, and His ways are above our ways. We may not always understand why things happen the way that they do, and maybe they do not feel as glamorous as we’d like, but God is always working up something bigger and better than we can physically see. The bible verse, Isaiah 43:18-19, comes to mind, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?”

 I do not want to get to the end of my life, and see that I’ve missed out on what God wanted to do through my life because of complacency, small-mindedness, ignorance, or disobedience. God knows how to get us to a place where our lives are effective to His kingdom, fruitful and overflowing, but you have to want it for yourself, too. You have to fully commit to his process and way. You may wake up one day and not even recognize yourself, because you let God have his way.

    If there is anything you get out of this piece, please get this: start thinking bigger and better, start dreaming bigger, start expecting more, because that is what God desires/has for you: BIGGER! ❤

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MY EXPERIENCE AS AN INTROVERT

   

Hi, my name is Dominique and I am an introvert!

Merriam-Webster defines introvert as “a person whose personality is characterized by introversion : a typically reserved or quiet person who tends to be introspective and enjoys spending time alone.”

I think this word and definition is kind of limiting, because we are all multi-dimensional beings, so I do not think it could fully define someone, but in a general sense, it is true in my case.

By nature, I like to keep to myself. I don’t always need to be in all the action. I am not usually the loudest person in a room nor the center of attention. If I walk into a room full of strangers, my first instinct is to find a corner to sit at and observe as opposed to finding groups of people to communicate with( not the best habit, I know haha). I do not need to text, call, or hangout with my friends everyday or every weekend, nor do I always need to talk or socialize. I spend the majority of my time by myself, delightfully.

    This does not mean I do not like to interact with people, it is just that I can only do it to a certain extent. Talking to people 24/7 or ALWAYS being around people can be exhausting for me and in no way, stimulates me. I can do it for a period of time, and as humans, we NEED to interact and socialize with others, and I enjoy it, but I know my limits.

I REALLY enjoy my own company, like REALLY. Nothing makes me happier than being in my room, eating some bomb food, and watching some of my favorite shows, alone. I can eat however I want, laugh as loud as I want, and no one can tell me anything!! I like to jog, do yoga, or go on walks by myself. Even doing nothing by myself is enjoyable to me. The best part of my day is towards the nighttime when I exercise, read a bible devotion or book, listen to a sermon, pray, and then go to bed. It is refreshing and special to me, and it helps me to focus on God, alone, without distractions. It allows me to work on myself and love myself, on a much deeper level. Being alone comfortably, is honestly top tier. Ain’t no time like me-time!

    NOW NOW NOW, I am not saying I do not like to go out and interact with friends, or meet new people. I hang out with my friends on occasion and enjoy it so much because it is just refreshing and nice to be with people who value and respect me. I always have a good time with my friends and I desire many more memories with them. We all need friends!!!!

To add to that, I also have a raging desire inside of me to meet new people and create new experiences. I think the misconception people have about introverts is that we’re “boring”, “anti-social,” or “rude.” But the reality is, we just socialize and navigate life differently. We do not always need social stimulation, but that does not take away the fact, that some of us, like myself, is always open to meeting people.

Speaking for myself, I am very observant, which may not always be a good thing, because I may unintentionally make prejudgements, but it means that I do not let anyone in my life fully until I am comfortable with them or there is a level of trust, and once there is, WATCH OUT HONEY. You would swear I was a different person, but you have to earn my trust and respect, in order to get to the next level of our friendship, relationship, etc and get more access to me. I don’t give all of myself away so freely. The social process of introverts is different than that of extroverts.

    Additionally, for me and maybe other introverts, (because not all introverts are the same,) it may take us a while to get comfortable in a new setting or in a new group, because of nerves, or we need to feel out the atmosphere, and as a result we may look detached or uninterested. Being openly friendly with strangers is not something that comes natural to us,(speaking for myself) but something we have to keep practicing, until we’re confident enough to do it, because we are so reserved by nature. I sometimes overthink or rehearse conversations in my head before deciding to speak to someone whereas an extrovert can just walk up to you effortlessly and start talking. So, if you see me in my corner by myself, it does not mean I am uninterested or anti-social, maybe I am strategizing ways to open up. However, as an introvert, there may be occasions where I just want to sit to the side and enjoy the vibes by myself, and I have no problem doing that.

    As I mentioned earlier, the definition of introvert is limiting, because it cannot fully define someone. I enjoy spending time alone and naturally, I am more on the chill, quiet side. However, once I am comfortable enough to open up, you will see that I am friendly, louder, goofy, and very fun (things you probably would not call me at first glance- ask my closest friends and family LOL). I love deep conversations, I passionately love people and hearing their stories, I love to dance and have a good time, and the list goes on. It’s just that I handle social situations differently, and highly values alone time in order to recuperate and ground my spirit.

I am sure some extroverts would agree that they have introverted tendencies that people may overlook because of their outward nature.

So yes, I have a lot of introverted ways, like A LOT, and would call myself an introvert, naturally and in a general sense, but I wouldn’t say that the definition is enough to describe the depth of someone.

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OPINION: IS EXCITEMENT OVERRATED? HOLIDAY EDITION

    I am someone who LOVES the holidays, specifically Christmas. By love, I mean listening to Christmas music in July and watching Christmas movies whenever I feel like it. Me and my best friend always search up the google countdown to Christmas whenever we’re together. I love everything about Christmas. I love the cheerful mood, the Christmas trees, the colorful lights, gingerbread houses, gift planning, candy canes, wrapping paper, ribbons, Christmas movies, hot chocolate, Christmas music, family time, cookies, and yes wearing Christmas pajamas! It is such an exciting rush.

    As someone who loves the holidays, I even deal with wanting to get it over with! What a paradox! While in Costco, with hundreds of other shoppers rushing around, trying to get the best deals, I thought to myself, “I AM OVER THE HOLIDAYS.” People were moving around me from every single direction and in a situation like that, you do not have the freedom to roam delicately though the store and take your time. In addition to shopping inconveniences, there are also the financial stressors. There is the deciding what to buy people and deciding who you are buying for pressures, while trying to keep on a budget. While excited to shop for my loved ones, I end up feeling a bit overwhelmed. The holidays can be very exhausting!

Additionally, I feel like during Christmas, I always have a checklist of every movie I need to watch, and every activity I need to do(because of my excitement), in order to feel fulfilled, and this is not always realistic, because of the unpredictability of life.

    In spite of all of that, what I love most about the holidays is the emphasis of love, family, warmth, giving, and what truly matters in life. It is refreshing to give to others and celebrate togetherness in a world that is very dark. It is a very sweet and intimate time to have with the people you love most.

It is safe to say that the holidays can cause a whirlwind of emotions: some good, some bad. While it is a joyous and exciting time, it also can be stressful and tiresome. The fact that I even thought about looking forward to the holidays being over concerns me, because it should never get to that conclusion. The reality is the holidays have been made out to be this spectacular event, and expectations are HIGH, when it really should be what you individually define it to be. While nothing is wrong with a little excitement/expectations, that same excitement along with the expectations can be unhealthy if it affects your mental health to the point where you break down and not enjoy it the way you want to. Take the pressure off and enjoy the holidays for what it means to you, and for everyone, that will look different.

Secondly, in the past, I used to find myself getting a little sad after the holidays, and it still happens to me sometimes. I do not know if it is because reality sets in after a little Christmas magic or if there is not this big exciting occasion to look forward to anymore, after three-four months. Not seeing the Christmas tree in my living room after seeing it for almost a month is a little depressing. No more colorful lights or decorations. The house is back to its plain state. The stores are empty and no longer playing Christmas music, what is left of Christmas merchandise is on clearance, and Valentine’s day chocolate is already being stocked. Everything returns back to its normal flow and the exhilarating rush is over.

    One way I have dealt with these emotions is by controlling my excitement. Your level of excitement is your choice. The holidays are great, yes, but it will ALWAYS be there every year. Instead of exalting the holidays above my everyday life, I try to enjoy it to the fullest, make the most of it, and leave it at that. All the extra noise is unnecessary. This does not just apply to the holidays (INSERT YOUR SOURCE OF WORLDLY EXCITEMENT.)

    While I will always LOVE the holidays, I also look forward to post-holiday relief. Decluttering the mind, planning out new year goals, working out all of the Ferrero Rocher, saving money and just looking forward to the new things God has in store. I do not get as sad anymore after the holidays, because I try to remain content in every moment and look forward to what is next. We most certainly would not want it to be Christmas or whichever holiday you celebrate, EVERYDAY, or it would lose its value.

    I know the holidays are one of the most decorated times of the year, but the other months count too, and are worth celebrating. Give all the other months the same energy you give the holidays, and I am sure you will look at life differently. Everyday you wake up should be a celebration. Learn to enjoy and celebrate the mundane, without getting too caught up with your ideal future. Be a good steward of what is in front of you. God has so much for us and that is worth getting healthily excited about every moment. It all comes down to your mentality.

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SIDE EFFECTS OF BEING A PLANNER

I have come to realize, especially as I have gotten older, that I am a natural planner. I did not realize this until now, and I am twenty-three. During the summer-time, on a FaceTime call with my sister, a light bulb came on for me. She told me, “I feel like you’re not having the time of your life. You’re always inside in that same spot when I feel like you should be meeting me in Brooklyn for happy-hours and experiencing more.”After this Face-time call, I burst into tears. She was completely right. I do desire more experiences and fun times, but I feel like I have always mentally planned for those occurrences to be during a different phase of life, and not my current one. I have always felt as if I needed to be more “this and that,” before I could start living the life I truly want, and that contradicts everything I believe in. I never really confronted these feelings and felt like God was exposing them to me. 

When I talk about planning, it could be planning for outings or hang-outs with friends/family, mentally preparing myself for different opportunities, planning my day out the day prior, or just overall having a guideline to live by in order to preserve a sense of momentum. The only way I could feel secure is by knowing every detail. I am learning that is not a good mentality and I have been victim to it for so long.

I remember having a little disagreement with my mother about getting some chores done around the house before a party/family gathering. My mother is not the best communicator when it comes to telling her children what she may need help with around the house. I always tell her to communicate what she wants done, instead of assuming that we could read her mind. For whatever reason, she was upset that a certain chore did not get done before this party and I remember telling her, “Why didn’t you just write a list of what you wanted me to do the day before so I could plan out my day and do the chores in advance,” instead of rushing last minute. In a nut shell, that sums up my outlook. I like to prepare!

Being a planner helps me keep my priorities in check. If I know I have responsibilities to take care of, I will have to alter my day accordingly, instead of just going with the flow. If I know I have to wake up particularly early the next day, I have to plan my day within a certain time frame, in order for me to get what I need done as well as get enough sleep. I will prepare my outfit and get my bag together the night before. If I have to travel to locations I am not familiar with, I like to look at a map in advance to help me have an idea as to which ways I will need to walk. I set aside time for exercising, prayer, and worship. I make time for my priorities. I understand everyday won’t go as planned, but I like to have structure, so that I am not lost in idleness, which trust me, I know all about.

Here is where it gets messy. Being a planner also means that I am in control. Being in control means that things are going MY way. I am prone to feeling guilty or frustrated when things are not going as planned. I lack spontaneity sometimes because I am always thinking in line of structure. I feel like being a planner limits me from being all that I could be and enjoying life to the fullest. For example, if someone asked me last minute to go somewhere with them(depending on the person and situation,) I would really have to contemplate my answer, and it maybe would not be the quickest, “yes,” because it’s going against my flow. I prefer when plans are made in advance, so that I could make room and prepare for it. But what if this little hang out ended up being the most fun I ever had and completely changed my life??? (I am sure you can insert more examples here).

Most importantly, in my walk of faith, I have come to realize that I cannot be in control all of the time, and trust God simultaneously. God is a God of SUDDENLY’S and I have to be alert for anything to happen at any time. Most of the times where I felt like God was calling me higher or opening a door, I did not feel ready and it was totally unexpected. It always went against my own rationale. 

Bottom line, I may have my plans, but following God is more important. You never know how your day or LIFE is going to end up, when you surrender it to God. Recently, I have been just easier on myself, and allowing God to direct me, because I do not want to miss out on so many great opportunities and experiences, because it is not happening in the way in which I pictured or planned it. 

I am learning to release control to the One who knows best. It is not easy, but I know it is much more rewarding and worth it. Learning to release my plans has been very liberating because my worth is not tied to it, and it brings me closer to God. Our lives belong to God, and allowing Him to steer us in what He knows is best for each of us individually instead of doing “what you think you ought to be doing or what someone else told you to do,” is far greater. 

I hope that this helps anyone who may be going through something similar. Be easy on yourself, and stop taking life so seriously. We are here, for a set amount  of time, and I believe God wants us to enjoy the life that He gave us, wherever you are in life. Try to make each moment count and stop limiting the God in you.

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OPINION: DID QUARANTINE MAKE US MORE COMFORTABLE IN OUR ISOLATION ???

Because of COVID-19, the world shut down. Many students, like myself, had to finish our semesters online, diminishing face-to-face contact with our peers and professors. Many people had to start working remotely. There were several furloughs, lay-offs, and shut-downs of businesses. In addition to that, there were curfews, face-covering and social-distancing mandates, because of the risk involved of getting infected by the virus. This would cause a lot of isolation. 

I remember I was in my Medieval Lit Seminar class at Rutgers, during my senior year, when we all got the email that our university would be temporarily closing because of COVID-19 outbreaks. Me and my peers were excited by this. I have a Snapchat video of everyone in the classroom cheering and dancing. Our professor even let us leave class early that day. It was the week before spring break, and according to the e-mail, we would be getting an extra week off. Good news for us or so we thought.

I did not know that would be the last day I would ever be on campus as an undergraduate. It was a normal spring’s day, the semester was over in about a month, and we were all just looking forward to the end. 

With all of that being said, I was not sure how I would deal with the news that I would be finishing my senior year, online. Being that I am at heart, a home-body(who also likes to go out occasionally!!!), it was not depressing or strangulating, but it did feel overwhelming, after about two weeks into the online process. It was a lot of readings, discussions boards, zoom meetings, etc and while it was cool to approach learning differently, it proved to also be mentally exhausting. It made me realize how valuable in-person learning was, where you get to see, listen, and interact with your professors and peers. I realized how much I took for granted, in-person education! I missed taking the bus to campus and just connecting with my friends in class, and even seeing my professors and it is crazy to think that I found myself getting tired or annoyed with taking the bus and going to class right before quarantine started. A very eye-opening experience. 

On the other hand, I did enjoy sleeping in more, having more time to study and complete my assignments, being able to be in the comfort of my home, seeing my family more, and just not being as stressed. At the time, I was working in retail AND going to school, so it was definitely a relief to not be rushing and worrying about getting papers done at 4 A.M. ! Not to mention, my retail job closed for about three months because it was not considered essential, which also meant more freedom/ home-time for me. There is just something about being home, that does not compare to being anywhere else. It was a much needed break and sigh of relief. But did it have too much of an effect on me???

I spent 2020 and a lot of 2021 in my house. I do not consider myself someone who needs to be outside all of the time, because I am introverted, but I will make the effort to do so, because going out sometimes is just as important as knowing when to stay in. Because I took COVID-19 really seriously, I did not want to go out with friends or be in social gatherings, at least until I got vaccinated, which happened around May of 2021. My life pretty much consisted of me going to work and back home, before vaccination. Of course, I still went out to do errands, shopping, and church when the building did re-open permanently, but that was really it. It did feel depressing at times, because I was in this routine, and nothing was changing. On a positive note, this allowed me to learn to be content and patient, even if I was not living the life I desired, because of different underlying factors. Bottom line: ya girl was not outside a lot for over a year.

I feel that since my personality is already introverted and I like to be home and because of quarantine and COVID-19, where we were required to stay away from others(which I did not hate), I sometimes wonder if it made me, and others similar to me, more comfortable in our comfort of not being in a rush to go outside and socialize and just staying solo. Pre-COVID, we HAD to go to school, work, and other obligations, which would force us to fight off some of the comfort, but there we were, in a pandemic, living the dream of having half of our faces covered, no attention on us, no pressure to go out, living our best solo lives. A dream for an introvert!

I remember finally going out on a few adventures during the summer, where I was surrounded by large crowds of people again, and took the train and subway. It was my first time taking public transportation after about a year and a few months and it felt a bit weird. It felt like a life I once knew, but had vanished for a while. Feelings that I would have during my commuter days in college, rushed back within my conscience. Sweat dripping down my sides, the weight of my belongings on my back, looks of strangers, small pinches of pain on my feet. A life I had not been acquainted with for some time. 

I thought it would have felt easier, but there was a sourness, a bitter taste. I felt different. Maybe it was the pull of leaving what I considered my safe haven for a long period of time. Maybe I forgot, after being confined, what it felt like to be in a world with many others. Maybe this was my wake-up call. 

Even in the few instances, where I took off my mask publicly, I felt exposed. I felt a little self-conscious. People are SEEING me! AHHHH! What makes this crazy is I remember when I first started wearing masks, and how it felt so uncomfortable, different, and weird, and here I was, a year and a few months later, feeling weird WITHOUT it. In these moments, I almost felt like I had to re-learn what life was like BEFORE quarantine and COVID-19 mandates. I felt like a frozen chicken that needed to thaw out. Am I alone here? Feelings of discomfort, a bit unease, and a hint of insecurity emerged, not the greatest feelings, but all in all, it just reinforced to me, “Maybe you just got too comfortable in your isolation and forgot about reality,” and that is okay. This is all a learning experience, and a consequence of a pandemic for not only me, but I am sure many others, and a part of growth and a bigger story.

I know some people who never want to return to work in-person and some who are eager to return to work. There are some, who want a balance of staying home and going to work, and some who maybe do not care. All in all, it is safe to say that this pandemic has shifted some of our priorities, and has made us realize many things about ourselves: some good, some bad. We are all coping in different ways, and just trying to make the best of our situations, and however way you choose to do that, is fine. I just hope whatever decisions you do make leads more to growth and less comfort 🙂

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MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD

     

I grew up in church and knew of God for my whole life. I am fortunate and blessed to have a mother who always encouraged me in the Lord, even when I did not fully understand Him. I believe that is one of the main reasons I am a firm believer to this day. 

Though I knew of God, I did not really start getting to know him on a deeper level until I  got to high school and college. During those years, I got to a point where I realized I could not live this life without God. I needed Him to help me overcome struggles and guide me in the right path. This is when I started to take God more seriously. 

I was going through severe social anxiety, low self-esteem, insecurities, etc. It was at its peak during my middle school- high school years, when I started to become more aware of my identity. I did not even fully understand what I was going through. I did not like to be around large groups of people and when I was, I would get super tense and shy. I remember when I was at church, I would keep my head down sometimes. I had difficulty opening up to people and did not like to be looked at. The majority of my thoughts revolved around what others may be thinking of me. I always felt inferior to others, and misunderstood. I felt like no one could relate to what I was going through, and felt judged and super alone. It was really tough. There were many tears, frustration, and confusion. 

Anxiety is literal bondage. It is like thoughts upon thoughts upon thoughts just gnawing at you. I did not have enough spiritual capacity/maturity to fight it at the time, so it ate me up, and I often felt powerless and weak. Though I knew of God, our relationship was still growing, therefore, it took time for me to really start understanding who God really was, and how important His role in my life would be in order for me to experience true deliverance and freedom. In the midst of that, it was really hard to move forward, because I did not have all the answers and did not know what to do. I am so thankful my mother had a strong relationship with God, because she would always pray over me as well as encourage me to get into God’s word. If not for that, I do not know where I would be. It was my only hope. 

None of the above limited God from intervening, though. He is still God and knows how to handle our issues, despite our knowledge about Him and His word, which is reassuring. He meets us where we are. Though He did not fully deliver me, he gradually made me stronger and closer to Him. As every year passed, specifically in high school, I felt stronger and more knowledgeable about God and his word, through my different experiences and through getting into His word through sermons and books. This allowed me to continually adjust my mind-set according to what God’s word said about my circumstances. I started to see growth and change in my life, as I adjusted my thinking, towards the end of high school and into college. I had less bad days and more victorious days. I was stepping on the very things that used to crush me— that is nothing but the power of God. Getting to experience God’s peace and presence, as well as getting to know him on a more personal level, calmed my fears, and allowed me to start seeing myself the way that God saw me. 

God dealt with me so calmly, like a loving father would. He was the only one who could truly understand what I was going through, and knew exactly how to take care of me. Though, I felt like a nobody, he treated me like I was everything. There were countless tears and dark nights. I doubted his power sometimes. But, He never gave up on me. He comforted me, kept me, restored me, strengthened me, carried me, encouraged me, and most importantly, LOVED, me, through it all, and is the only reason, I am who I am today.  I do not know HOW, but He always came through, just when I needed Him. 

College is when I really started to see bigger breakthroughs where my confidence and self-value were involved. I started to think bigger and better thoughts of myself according to my identity in Christ, and relied on God’s promises. I really started to see fruit and manifestation. I could be around groups of people in class or outside, and feel confident and at peace. I started to express my unique style. I started to become more comfortable in who God made me to be. It was a turning point and celebratory phase in my life. Though struggles and weaknesses do not instantly disappear and I am still dealing with them, to see growth and breakthrough, is joyful. 

I feel like my weakness is what allowed me to stay dependent on God and is why I am so close to Him, which I am super thankful for. It really was a blessing, though I could not see that back then. It is still an ongoing journey, but I am confident that He will finish what He started in me. He did not bring me this far to leave me. Do not be ashamed of your weakness!!! I really hope this encourages someone. 

I really do not know how to describe my relationship with God. God is so BIG, and the dictionary does not even do him justice. I will try my best.

If I could describe my relationship with God, it is like an escape from this world. The world is no match for the presence of God. Whether I have a good day, or a bad day, my spirit and soul yearn for Him. My worth, my being, my purpose, is all tied to Him. If I for one second, let anything else get my attention, I feel empty. I always find myself running back into His loving embrace, somehow. It is where I get my strength, peace, joy, hope, rest, assurance, confidence, boldness, and everything else I will ever need. The closer I get to Him, the more I realize, He is enough and all I need.

I speak to Him like I speak to a friend, and our bond is very special. I set aside quiet time, every night before bed, where I watch a sermon, worship, and commune with God. It is the best part of my day.

Even as I go through my daily routines, I talk to Him and keep Him in my mind. To know him is a GIFT and PRIVILEGE. 

I will continue to share Him and my story in hopes that others will want to run to Him too, even if it is uncomfortable. All I want is for those around me to experience His love and goodness in their lives, as well as form their own personal relationships with Him. God makes the difference, not anything in this world. God is to be praised. God is all that matters. Period. 

❤

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WHY I LOVE BEING OF TRINI DESCENT

My parents were born in the sweet Caribbean island of Trinidad and Tobago. What did that mean for me? I grew up in a TRINI household in America! I called my warm bottle of Nesquik chocolate milk that I drank every night before bed as a child, “tea-tea.” I knew how to wine before I turned five. I remember calling my friends, “allyuh,” in the playground during elementary school, and they all looked at me like I was crazy. I remember having a debate with one of my substitute teachers in first grade, on the pronunciation of vegetables, which I defended the Trini way of saying it ( VEGGUH-TEBBLES) as opposed to (VEGG-TEBLES). I used to “steups,” at everything. Those who know, they know!!! When all is said and done, though, being of Trini descent plays a big part of my identity, and I will tell you why I LOVE IT SO MUCH.

First of all, let’s talk about Trinidad! My parents took me there as a baby and throughout my childhood-adolescence for summer vacation. Trinidad is like a second-home to me, though it sometimes feels more like home than America does in many interesting ways. 

What I love most about Trinidad is the warm, family-oriented vibe I get. It is such a small island that it seems as if everyone knows each other. Whenever my parents run into someone they are familiar with or someone else recognizes them (which happens a lot), there is a honking of a car involved, or a huge “YEOOOO,” that is shouted. Sometimes I just may be walking up the street to go to the store to buy an Apple J( apple flavored soda) or big foot cheese snack, and some random person will come up to me and ask “ You “so and so” daughter or niece??” It is like they know me just by my resemblance to someone in my family or because Trinis like to “maco” or (mind others’ business haha). All in all, I like how warm and friendly Trinidadians are. You are sure to be welcomed with a “hello good day,” or “goodnight.” Whereas in America (which I am guilty of), we try to avoid eye contact with each other! 

One of the many reasons I love going to Trinidad is to spend time with my family. I have grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles there along with family-friends. My relatives may invite my family over and cook a nice warm meal, while we hang and chat. We have many beach limes, where we bring food to the beach, and just enjoy the day in the water. Trinidad water HIT DIFFERENT. We also take trips to mall, the markets in Princes Town and San Fernando, and long drives to different beaches/sites. We also go to Trinidad’s twin island, Tobago! It is a smaller island, filled with beautiful beaches and good vibes. I 10/10 recommend!

Castara Bay, Tobago

I especially love spending time with my grandparents and just embracing their perspective and way of life which is so different from life in the states. It makes me appreciate my culture and heritage. I like to sit outside with my grandfather as we watch cars pass by. He sings, hums, and is always asking us (his grandchildren) to do him favors. I like going into town with my mother and grandmother to the market where they buy their vegetables, herbs, spices, fruits, and groceries for the delectable meals they plan to make. I like going to my other grandma’s house which is down the street from my maternal grandmother’s house, where we just enjoy family time and the country ambiance. There is many sweet breezes and pure vibes. Her home is super special to me, because it is where my father and his siblings grew up. It means a lot to me to get to embrace what was/is home for them. I try to cherish my grandparents as much as I can. 

There is something special about being in an island that your family and other previous generations lived in. I always feel very warm and passionate, when in Trinidad. I used to cry on the airplane ride back home because of how much I did not want to leave. Anyone who goes to Trinidad will tell you that the vibe in undeniable. 

Secondly, our food! I mean, have you ever tried, DOUBLES???? Doubles is my hands down, favorite Trini delicacy. Doubles consist of two fried flat breads that hold curried chickpeas. If you ever go to Trinidad, it is a MUST that you try it.

I grew up eating bake and salt-fish, provision, rice and dahl, pelau, callaloo, curry chicken, curry goat, curry duck, curry potatoes, different types of roti, macaroni pie, sponge cake, sugar cake, stewed chicken, pholourie, and the list goes on. Trinidadians know how to throw it down in the kitchen. All of my aunts and uncles know how to cook so well, and though their food all have a unique taste, their food is always super favorable and made with love. My mother is the best cook I know! Her knowledge and usage of different herbs, spices, and seasonings is divine. Not a day goes by where she is not cooking a meal for my family, and the meal never disappoints! Can’t nobody touch her sponge cake!

Eating Trini food takes me right back to the island. When my house is smelling of sponge cake, black cake, curry, sweet bread etc, especially during the holidays, I am overwhelmed with warmth and joy. It is like, though in a different country, our traditions and culture is standing strong. I love it and hope to pass it down to my future children.

Lastly, our MUSIC. Trinidad and Tobago is home to so many genres of music such as Soca, Calypso, Chutney, Parang, etc. T&T is home to the steel pan and has one of the best carnivals in the world. To be a descendant of a place that is filled with so much creativity and excellence is something I take pride in. 

Anyone who knows me, KNOWS, that Soca is my last name. For me, Soca is a love language. If Soca is playing at my funeral, I will be dancing in my grave. Whenever I hear Soca, I get so ecstatic, like I do not know what to do with myself. Something definitely comes over me. If I hear “EVERYBODY TAKE AH JUMP, TAKE AH JUMP, TAKE AH JUMP, UP NOW,” best believe, I will drop everything to start dancing. Soca is a very upbeat, rhythm filled genre, that you will hear during carnival or at caribbean parties. The intention of the genre is to get you to dance, have a good time, and forget your worries. I listen to Soca when I exercise and for fun, because it just makes me remember the good memories in my life, and just changes the atmosphere. It magnifies my love for my culture. Chutney, Parang, and Calypso, have a similar effect on me, as well. These genres all have their own unique spin: Chutney has Indian influence, Parang has Spanish influence, and Calypso is old-fashioned Soca music. The music from these genres make me feel closer to my heritage and to Trinidad, even when I am not physically there. It connects me to my roots in a very sentimental way.

I also would like to point out that the Trini accent is very soothing and is like verbal candy for my ears. I subconsciously speak in it when I am in my element. Search it up and you will see what I mean.

Trinidad and Tobago will always play a significant part of my identity and I am proud to be a descendant of that island!