Tag: Faith

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I WANT TO BE THIS LITTLE GIRL, AGAIN

“At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. “Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me.” Matthew 18:1-35

    I find it very interesting that Jesus magnifies children as the greatest in the kingdom of Heaven. You would think He would say preachers, prophets, or people who dedicated their lives to serving Him. But no, children.

    If you really think about it, children are precious, but can often be viewed as helpless, annoying, needy, exhausting, etc. Children are not always looked at in the highest regard.

For some reason, as a child, I always felt like the adults were the lucky ones. They got to stay up late, leave the house at their leisure, buy anything they wanted, and live freely without rules or punishment. Feeling like a kid sucked sometimes because we were limited.

    LET’S BE REAL. A lot of us were very excited to become adults because of the freedom associated with it, and that is fine. We would have the power to create the life we wanted without others enforcing their agendas on us, though that still happens sometimes, we ultimately would have the power. As an adult now, I’M LOVING IT, because of the independence!

    However, there are some child-like traits that I want to have again that got lost in the midst of growing up in this world.

    I remember in third grade, I decided to draw my whole class these random pictures, and put them in these white envelopes with their names on it. I do not know what compelled me to do this, but I did it. Looking back, I find that to be totally BOLD. These pictures were not Picasso material, and yet I still had enough confidence to give them out, despite what my classmates would have thought. My classmates were very intrigued and were all talking about what kind of pictures they got. It did put me in a vulnerable position, because I did not know how the pictures would have been received, but the bottom line is, I DID IT. Now, if I were to do that today, there probably would be more hesitancy and doubt, because of the over-thinking that comes with being an adult.

    In fourth grade, I ran for class president! FOURTH GRADE! I remember making my posters and saying my speech in front of the whole school in the auditorium. TALK BOUT BOLD. Even though I did not win, the fact that I still put myself out there just showcases the inner-courage that was already inside of me.

    I felt like as a kid, everything just seemed more exciting, even the small things. Life was approached as a mystery and wonder. As we age, the spark gets lost, and it is up to us to find it again. I truly miss not caring what others thought and just doing what I said I was going to do, without overthinking, doubting, or worrying. I miss where my imagination used to go. I miss being unapologetically me. I had no reputation to cling to or money to worry about. I legit had nothing to show for. I was just being me.

    I think this is what Jesus was implying. When you are a child, you believe everything, without getting so deep in thought. You do whatever you have to do, without fear of judgment because you are not all up in your head.

    Being like a child would entail us fully depending on God, as we would our parents, and not in anything we have. As adults, we sometimes allow our career, social status, accomplishments, income, relationships, good deeds, etc to define, sustain, or qualify us, when in reality, God could care less about that. GOD OWNS THE WORLD, you think He cares about those superficial qualities? Being like a child would mean letting go of your roles, titles, status, possessions, or any earthly label in exchange for God’s word, purpose, and process. It means TRUSTING in God, no matter what. It means taking YOU out of the equation. Jesus regards this behavior as the highest in the Kingdom of heaven.

    Jesus himself, the king of kings, was of NO REPUTATION. That should blow your mind. His life was dedicated to serving others and God, even though He had the power to do ANYTHING. He could have lived any life he wanted, but chose to be a SERVANT. He could care less about people’s opinions because He knew his purpose, which was to honor God, even if it made him look lame, silly, or unpopular. God’s kingdom was regarded higher than the things of the Earth. In other words, if you think Earth is the best you’ve seen, then you are living a lie, because Heaven is 10X better. Streets of GOLD????? Yeah, okay.

    Bottom line, I think we should strive to let go of any earthly obsessions and just get over ourselves. Yes, love yourself, and build the best life you can, but at the end of the day, we’re nothing without God. As humans, we sometimes act very prideful, as if we are invincible or the best thing to ever walk the Earth, based on materially or superficial qualities, but we’re not. When we die, our bodies will become dirt, and it is only our spirits that will live on. Feed the spirit and magnify your spiritual identity, because you are a spirit. Make a bigger deal about what is unseen, rather than what is seen. Real riches are in Heaven! Surrender your bodies to God because He can do so much more with it than we can. Let go of any selfish ambitions and desires that do not benefit anyone but yourself.

    I am not saying that you should not invest in yourself, take care of yourself, or enjoy your life. I’m not saying you can’t have nice possessions, or have a luxurious life. God has an abundant, enriching life for us all (AND I WANT GOD’S VERY BEST, HONEY). I just think we sometimes make a bigger deal out of superficial, temporary earthly fantasies that do nothing for us in the long haul. Just make sure that the things of the Earth DO NOT DEFINE OR HAVE YOU! The true path of life is one of surrender and service to God, even if it looks crazy to the world. God has MORE for us than what we think we want or what the world promotes, best believe that.

    Trust me, I am still learning to apply these principles to my life and make changes. This message is definitely for me too. It is challenging because everything is always about what the flesh wants, and as a result, we neglect our spirits. It is truly a spiritual fight, EVERYDAY. But like a child, we must cling to God, and let go of ourselves. It will be a process, but a very worthwhile one.

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LEARN ABOUT YOU, ENJOY YOU, EMBRACE YOU

For many years, I did not like myself. In fact, I am still dealing with the repercussions. I was unaware of how much of my past still affected me to this day. I was just going through life, nonchalantly, as if nothing happened to me.

To go a little more in detail about my past, which I have mentioned in other posts, I had terrible social anxiety, insecurities, and very low self-esteem, specifically during my teenager phase (middle school into high school). It was depressing. I did not like to be looked at and was super paranoid, did not like to be around people and if I was, I’d get very tense, shy, and anxious. When people would stare at me, it was triggering. I would also get very bitter, angry, envious of others, and was such a mess. I attributed my whole worth to others’ opinion of me. It was like a gray cloud hovering over me, preventing me from living life to the fullest. Man, I cried so much, and hated it.

Recently, during my late night prayer, I just closed my eyes, and was silent. My mind transported back to all of the painful memories of my past. The memories I have not reconciled with nor greeted.

It’s like I had forgotten the tears, affliction, and misery.

Warm tears streamed down my face as I remembered, “what was.” They were not tears of mourning nor pain, but tears of gratitude and remembrance.

LET ME BRAG ABOUT GOD. He has transformed my life in ways I can’t explain, with His love, peace, joy, security, and very BEING. Little by little, He has made me stronger, wiser, and better, through knowledge of His word and my experiences. He is my safety in this dark world, and having that sense of security allows me to live the life He has given me with confidence, even during my darkest moments. His security and love assures me that I am enough in Him. His peace allows me to go through my day without being bombarded with worry, anxiety, and fear. I MEAN, ONLY GOD COULD DO THAT. I am so much more loving and gracious towards others because of His love, I am full of joy for no reason, I am gentler on myself, I am tapping into my own individual authority, I’m doing things I said I’d never do, like MAN!!!!!! Most importantly, I AM LOVING MYSELF MORE. This is why I am so passionate about God. HE DID THAT. I am not the same person I was, and I will be forever thankful for how far He has brought me. You would not even recognize me if you only remembered the “past me.” If not for those struggles, I would not be the person I am, and to see how He still could use that pain, and turn it into such a beautiful story, AMAZES ME!!!!!

While praying, I just felt God telling me that there was still work to be done, battles to fight, behaviors to unlearn, and obstacles to confront. It’s time to confront the areas I have avoided. It’s time to grow and change for the better, and not just stay complacent because it feels good. It’s time to FIGHT, and TAKE BACK WHAT THE ENEMY STOLE. It’s time.

I can honestly say, though, that I am the happiest I’ve ever been, flaws and all. I am starting to accept myself more, embrace myself, and just enjoy myself. To know that I’ve been made with purpose, intention, a unique design, and chosen from the God who created the universe by speaking is enough to make me happy. I’m so excited to keep growing and becoming. It took me a very long time to get to this place, and I feel that it is worthy of celebrating and acknowledging.

I question myself more: Why am I the way I am? Is some of my childhood- adolescence mind-sets still affecting me? What habits and qualities are hindering me? What do I like about myself? How can I be more in touch with my feelings and emotions? I’ve just been digging a little deeper with the famous question: WHO AM I????? And I’ve been loving every second of it. I encourage you to do the same. If you do not ask these questions, you will go through life, powerless, not knowing your true value and potential. If you are not in touch with yourself, you would never be able to be in touch with others. IT IS SO IMPORTANT FOR US TO DO! IT IS WHERE YOUR POWER LIES!

God imagined you, chose you, breathed life into you, made you so intricately and beautifully, with grace, a divine purpose, and love: if that doesn’t get you excited, what else will?! He knows the smallest details about you that you probably would never even notice. He LOVES you so much, I mean, HE IS LOVE! He has an amazing plan for your life, and knows you more than you’ll ever know yourself. He is intentional, very careful about his creation, majestic, all powerful, and every good word in the dictionary. I mean, HE’S EVERYTHING. There’s no YOU without HIM.

Get to know God, and you will learn so much more about yourself, and go on one of the best journeys of your life. I am a witness.

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WILL YOU SURRENDER???

                            

This is a question I feel like God has been asking me. Where I want to be and where I am now seems so far apart, and sometimes I find myself getting lost in everyday routines and idleness. When you are in a waiting season for a long time, it is tempting to get stuck there, and you have to continually let God’s word renew your mind and spirit to His truth about your circumstance and identity. As written in a prior blog post, I am a natural planner, and feel like I need to check off boxes before feeling qualified enough to do things, but in my walk of faith, I can no longer do that.

I am at a place where I have subtle hints, but do not have all of the answers(don’t think we ever will). There is uncertainty, and though that can be scary, I am learning that it is okay and probably where God wants me to be. Taking each step forward is all I can do.

I had an epiphany in my family’s kitchen. Our kitchen is newly renovated. Construction started around April of 2021. Next to our kitchen was the tv room, which was destroyed, in order to extend the new kitchen. During this time, our dining room and living room was filled with furniture from the kitchen and tv room along with cardboard boxes from packages because the wooden floors for the new kitchen had to be replaced. In the midst of this process, the second floor was very crowded, messy, dusty, and a headache to look at (LOL). On top of that, we had to temporarily transition to the kitchen in the basement, which was a much smaller space. That itself was an adjustment, because as a family, we had to go down an extra flight of steps whether to bring down groceries, cook food, get food, and then go back to wash our dishes and you know the drill.

Additionally, our top floor bathroom was being renovated, so we had to go downstairs to the bathroom and the basement to shower. Lots of stairs!!! At first, it was aggravating. Imagine waking up half-asleep, and having to go downstairs to the bathroom, multiple times. I remember whispering to myself, “I hate this.” The comfort and convenience was gone. Now, we had to adjust to this new method, and after some time, we did. It became normal, and we learned to make do with what we had, knowing that our reward (new kitchen and new bathroom) would be worth the wait. It was tempting to just complain, but what was being done in this time of construction, was much more important than what we were feeling.

Our tv room was a decent size, but nothing fancy. It was rare that all of us as a family would be in there nowadays, unlike in the past. For the most part, there would be one occupant or two, on occasion, since there is a tv in most of our bedrooms. I used to workout in the tv room in the past, but now I do that in my room. It is safe to say that our tv room no longer served a significant purpose, it was just there. Our former kitchen was old-looking and also was just there like a complacent person, not caring about life. My parents were the ones who were ready to make some changes to this space, and bring life to it.

Fast forward to November 2021. Our kitchen was finally completed, and the bathroom was almost done. The kitchen space was not recognizable to me at first glance. I was amazed by the transformation. A few days ago, I was standing in my kitchen around 11pm and it dawned upon me that I was standing in what was our tv room. Where I used to lay back, watch my shows and do my workouts, now stood this large pantry. The same space where sometimes on Thanksgiving, there was a table that me and my cousins would eat, and shared so many memories, is now part of a new design for this kitchen. The island and cupboards are bigger, nicer, and much better than the old ones. The floors are no longer dirty or squeaky, but smooth and delicate. The stove is much bigger and has so many cool, beneficial effects. The lights are vibrant and aesthetically pleasing. There is a television that definitely gets a lot of use. And there is a dish-washer(LET THE CHURCH SAY AMEN)!! The overall quality of our new kitchen is just BETTER. The same space we used to neglect sometimes, is now much more useful and a delight to be in.

I say all of this to say, if I could go back five years, I never would have thought our kitchen would be looking the way it looks now. I never could have imagined it, because maybe I was okay with the way the kitchen or tv room looked or did not care enough. I was okay with the bare minimum or mediocrity. When my parents would talk about these renovations, I was interested, but not jumping with enthusiasm or joy. But now, looking at the final result, I am so overjoyed. The adjustments, waiting, and construction was all worth it.

    Translating this to life, I think sometimes we get complacent and small-minded about our lives. It may be because we have been waiting for a while and things haven’t been changing. Maybe it is hard for us to see a way out of what we may be going through. As a result, we settle, and never rise above our circumstances. But standing in my family’s new kitchen, I felt like God was telling me that He could do so much through me, if I would just let go of my small-minded thoughts, and surrender my whole life to Him. By surrender I mean, surrendering my desires, comfort, time, thoughts, and honestly everything. In the same way, that my old kitchen and tv room was becoming lifeless and useless, then suddenly refined, fruitful, more effective, and brand new, after some construction, adjustments, and time is what I believe God wants to do through us, if we would just lay up our plans for His. He is a BIG God, His thoughts are above our thoughts, and His ways are above our ways. We may not always understand why things happen the way that they do, and maybe they do not feel as glamorous as we’d like, but God is always working up something bigger and better than we can physically see. The bible verse, Isaiah 43:18-19, comes to mind, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?”

 I do not want to get to the end of my life, and see that I’ve missed out on what God wanted to do through my life because of complacency, small-mindedness, ignorance, or disobedience. God knows how to get us to a place where our lives are effective to His kingdom, fruitful and overflowing, but you have to want it for yourself, too. You have to fully commit to his process and way. You may wake up one day and not even recognize yourself, because you let God have his way.

    If there is anything you get out of this piece, please get this: start thinking bigger and better, start dreaming bigger, start expecting more, because that is what God desires/has for you: BIGGER! ❤

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MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD

     

I grew up in church and knew of God for my whole life. I am fortunate and blessed to have a mother who always encouraged me in the Lord, even when I did not fully understand Him. I believe that is one of the main reasons I am a firm believer to this day. 

Though I knew of God, I did not really start getting to know him on a deeper level until I  got to high school and college. During those years, I got to a point where I realized I could not live this life without God. I needed Him to help me overcome struggles and guide me in the right path. This is when I started to take God more seriously. 

I was going through severe social anxiety, low self-esteem, insecurities, etc. It was at its peak during my middle school- high school years, when I started to become more aware of my identity. I did not even fully understand what I was going through. I did not like to be around large groups of people and when I was, I would get super tense and shy. I remember when I was at church, I would keep my head down sometimes. I had difficulty opening up to people and did not like to be looked at. The majority of my thoughts revolved around what others may be thinking of me. I always felt inferior to others, and misunderstood. I felt like no one could relate to what I was going through, and felt judged and super alone. It was really tough. There were many tears, frustration, and confusion. 

Anxiety is literal bondage. It is like thoughts upon thoughts upon thoughts just gnawing at you. I did not have enough spiritual capacity/maturity to fight it at the time, so it ate me up, and I often felt powerless and weak. Though I knew of God, our relationship was still growing, therefore, it took time for me to really start understanding who God really was, and how important His role in my life would be in order for me to experience true deliverance and freedom. In the midst of that, it was really hard to move forward, because I did not have all the answers and did not know what to do. I am so thankful my mother had a strong relationship with God, because she would always pray over me as well as encourage me to get into God’s word. If not for that, I do not know where I would be. It was my only hope. 

None of the above limited God from intervening, though. He is still God and knows how to handle our issues, despite our knowledge about Him and His word, which is reassuring. He meets us where we are. Though He did not fully deliver me, he gradually made me stronger and closer to Him. As every year passed, specifically in high school, I felt stronger and more knowledgeable about God and his word, through my different experiences and through getting into His word through sermons and books. This allowed me to continually adjust my mind-set according to what God’s word said about my circumstances. I started to see growth and change in my life, as I adjusted my thinking, towards the end of high school and into college. I had less bad days and more victorious days. I was stepping on the very things that used to crush me— that is nothing but the power of God. Getting to experience God’s peace and presence, as well as getting to know him on a more personal level, calmed my fears, and allowed me to start seeing myself the way that God saw me. 

God dealt with me so calmly, like a loving father would. He was the only one who could truly understand what I was going through, and knew exactly how to take care of me. Though, I felt like a nobody, he treated me like I was everything. There were countless tears and dark nights. I doubted his power sometimes. But, He never gave up on me. He comforted me, kept me, restored me, strengthened me, carried me, encouraged me, and most importantly, LOVED, me, through it all, and is the only reason, I am who I am today.  I do not know HOW, but He always came through, just when I needed Him. 

College is when I really started to see bigger breakthroughs where my confidence and self-value were involved. I started to think bigger and better thoughts of myself according to my identity in Christ, and relied on God’s promises. I really started to see fruit and manifestation. I could be around groups of people in class or outside, and feel confident and at peace. I started to express my unique style. I started to become more comfortable in who God made me to be. It was a turning point and celebratory phase in my life. Though struggles and weaknesses do not instantly disappear and I am still dealing with them, to see growth and breakthrough, is joyful. 

I feel like my weakness is what allowed me to stay dependent on God and is why I am so close to Him, which I am super thankful for. It really was a blessing, though I could not see that back then. It is still an ongoing journey, but I am confident that He will finish what He started in me. He did not bring me this far to leave me. Do not be ashamed of your weakness!!! I really hope this encourages someone. 

I really do not know how to describe my relationship with God. God is so BIG, and the dictionary does not even do him justice. I will try my best.

If I could describe my relationship with God, it is like an escape from this world. The world is no match for the presence of God. Whether I have a good day, or a bad day, my spirit and soul yearn for Him. My worth, my being, my purpose, is all tied to Him. If I for one second, let anything else get my attention, I feel empty. I always find myself running back into His loving embrace, somehow. It is where I get my strength, peace, joy, hope, rest, assurance, confidence, boldness, and everything else I will ever need. The closer I get to Him, the more I realize, He is enough and all I need.

I speak to Him like I speak to a friend, and our bond is very special. I set aside quiet time, every night before bed, where I watch a sermon, worship, and commune with God. It is the best part of my day.

Even as I go through my daily routines, I talk to Him and keep Him in my mind. To know him is a GIFT and PRIVILEGE. 

I will continue to share Him and my story in hopes that others will want to run to Him too, even if it is uncomfortable. All I want is for those around me to experience His love and goodness in their lives, as well as form their own personal relationships with Him. God makes the difference, not anything in this world. God is to be praised. God is all that matters. Period. 

❤