Looking back, I definitely had unrealistic expectations for my twenties. I remember having conversations with my friends and cousins when we were teenagers about the ages we thought we would all get married. Our responses were, “25,” maybe “26,” but at the latest, “27.” We would talk about the ages we would get our first houses or when we would have our first children. Being almost 24, those conversations are laughable to me. Not saying that the above examples can’t happen but the way in which we thought about those subjects were very immature. The reality is, speaking for myself, my early twenties have been the birthing pains of self-discovery and self-work. Yes, self-discovery and self-work goes beyond our twenties, but I feel like our early twenties is when we fully start to become aware of the changes that we really need to make in order to become the best versions of ourselves.
Firstly, I am learning that I have so much surrendering to do. I saw a tweet on twitter that said “being in your early 20s is rediscovering all the parts of yourself you used to hide at 13 and embracing them fully.” I couldn’t agree more. There are so many deep-rooted fears, weaknesses, flaws and insecurities that I had in my childhood-adolescence years that have not left me. I am currently at a place where I have to actively confront those issues, and it took me a while to get here, because of complacency and ignorance. I did not want to face the uncomfortable emotions, memories, or reality of my past. I am learning that despite the pain of my past, I have to accept and embrace myself, in order to upgrade to the next level of life.
I always ask God to expose the areas of my life that I have not surrendered to Him(I encourage you to do the same), and He sure does. Every-time He exposed an issue to me, I realized it was persistently the same areas that I would usually avoid because of fear or discomfort. It’s mind-blowing to me that I am still dealing with some of the same issues I had at twelve as a twenty-three year old. That’s eleven years of carrying the same baggage. As time goes on, the issues only magnify. Can you imagine going through your whole life with the same childhood issues, never confronting them, and never reaching your potential? I am learning that in order to change, you have to WANT to grow, and confront your issues, even if it means going through uncomfortable seasons, so that God can really deliver you and use your issues to your advantage. I have to take OWNERSHIP of my past, ACCEPT who I am, SURRENDER it all to God, and move forward CONFIDENTLY to my destiny.
Secondly, I am learning to stop fantasizing about my future and comparing my life to others. Early twenties can be painful because we are trying to figure out our paths and it is tempting to compare our progress with others. I blame social media for the perception that users may get when they only see the icing on the cake or just the “happy, successful moments,” but not necessarily the REALITY of life. Fantasizing is toxic and something I still deal with. Sometimes seeing others’ success makes me so excited about my journey, that it almost makes me lose sight of ME. I had a bad habit of dreaming about my idea of success, based on what the world or other people would consider success, but not necessarily my own journey with God, and so it would put me in negative cycles of never feeling qualified or enough. Social media and even the entertainment industry glamorizes fame, wealth, and celebrities, to the point where it makes you feel that your life is only relevant if you are famous, wealthy, or a celebrity. Some may think that success means winning a Grammy or going on a red carpet, which don’t get me wrong, are amazing accomplishments, but it is not the standard of success. Success comes in different shapes, forms, and sizes, and is more progress than it is the final result. Success can be as small as reading a book or working out for the day. For some, success looks like getting out of the bed or simply being alive. On a spiritual level, I am learning that my real reward is God, and success in God’s eyes is different from how we view success. To Him, I believe, simply acknowledging Him or obeying him, no matter your status in life, is success. I am learning to live each day presently, enjoy whatever season of life I am in, not getting too ahead of myself, and simply exalting God over my desires. It is not easy, because we are so programmed to WANT MORE, but learning to cool down my fleshly desires, is something I am learning to do. Learn about YOU. Enjoy YOU. Enjoy GOD. Enjoy your unique experience, that is only yours. That is the real beauty of life. That is real success.
Thirdly, I am learning that I have a lot of unlearning and relearning to do. I need to unlearn toxic mindsets and habits, stemming from my child-hood and re-learn biblical principles and values that I have a deeper understanding of as an adult. Overall, I am realizing that I need to change the way I view the world around me, and the way that I view myself. At 23, I still have mind-sets and habits from my child-hood that I have not dealt with and still affects me, such as being a people-pleaser, because of how some children used to treat me in elementary school. To go a little more in depth, some children at school were mean to me for not being like them, so I felt like I had to change in order to be accepted in their eyes. I would do whatever I had to in order to be in their good graces, even if it meant that I’d be mistreated in the process. Now, I keep wondering why I find it so hard to say “no,” to people or to not have the perfect solution to people’s problems. It is like I almost feel guilty for not being able to always please people,which can also be translated as me fearing their reaction: THAT IS TOXIC. Another behavior I need to confront is associating my worth in the wrong places: worth does not come from anything on Earth, such as positions, titles, popularity, etc but in God alone. Once I remember that my worth is from God, then I won’t allow people or circumstances to make me feel inferior or unworthy. I am learning to apply biblical principles to my life, and speak God’s word over my life, in order to reverse my negative thinking habits. The more I feed myself God’s word, the more changes I will see. Also, as individuals, we grow up based on what our parents or caretakers taught us, and the values that they instill in us. While I agree with the majority of my parent’s lessons, like generosity, responsibility, hard work, etc, there are some areas where I think and act a bit differently and I have learned that I have to make my own choices for myself, and not just to please them. I still have to be my own individual and learn to be confident in who God created me to be. This is where real growth really begins, and it is extremely painful, but very rewarding and beautiful at the same time.
Fourthly, I am learning that I need to work for what I want. There needs to be efforts made for the changes I want to see. There needs to be persistence, discipline, vision, passion, drive, stability, maturity, and most importantly, faith. Obviously, only God can help us spiritually, so we need to lean on Him. Everyday is really a spiritual fight, and I realize that I need to fight back with God’s word, and keep going. Keep going, despite the setbacks, failures, discouragement and hard days. Just don’t stay stuck. Whatever goals you have, short-term or long-term, keep putting forth effort. Small effort is still effort. Take it day by day, little by little, and eventually, it will grow. Do not be so fixated on the end result, that you lose sight of the journey. There is treasure everyday, and there is treasure in you, so do what you have to do, in order to build the life you truly want.
Fifthly, I am learning that I need to prepare for my future. It is a privilege to be able to be cared for by your parents and to be able to stay home, until you finally get on your feet and start your own life. It is actually a luxury. While it is super convenient and comfortable, I am learning that I still need to at least prepare for where I want to be, career-wise and financially, to name a few. I am starting to think about finances differently, in terms of, saving, investing, and budgeting: things I really was not thinking of at the height of my 20’s because I was not thinking that deep into the future. I am thinking about what it would mean for me to be someone’s wife, and how that would change the reality of my life, and what would I have to change? I think about being a mother one day, and what kind of adjustments I would have to make. I think about finally being in my career, and really living life on my own, and what that would require of me. When you’re in a waiting season, it feels almost stagnant or worthless, but man, I believe this is where God REALLY prepares us for all of the years to come. I always pray that He prepares me for what is coming, because only He knows. How can I faithfully serve this season, in order to be the person I need to be for my next season? I am always constantly thinking about how I can improve as an individual not only for now, but for my future!
Lastly, I am learning that I need to enjoy myself more and enjoy the people that God blessed me with. It is easy to get complacent and take life for granted. There is nothing wrong with going on adventures, traveling, and embracing life with the ones you love! I am learning not to let life get in the way of my desire to create beautiful experiences. It is important to laugh, have fun, and live life to the fullest. I know it sounds cliche but it is true. Do not get too comfortable in a box, that you miss out on great experiences that are waiting for you.
I wish someone would have told me all of this would happen. It is like within our adolescence years, we are just numb to everything, going with the flow, and once adulthood hits, there is this huge awakening. It is painfully beautiful, and I believe will set the foundation for the rest of our lives.
Dominique 