MY POST-GRAD EXPERIENCE

Though it looks as if everything is perfect and promising in my grad photo, the reality is, I felt numb. I was excited but it was not the thrilling or ecstatic type of excited. It was like, “Yay, I got my bachelors, but what’s next?”

Typically, after graduation, it is expected that the new grad applies like crazy until they find a job, or scoop up as many connections as possible to help get them a position somewhere. However, since we were in a global pandemic, the need to get a job RIGHT away was not really rational, speaking for myself. The economy was collapsing and everything was shut down: what did that mean? I got to take a little breather and a little bit of pressure came off of me because of occurrences I could not control. Me already not being the “put yourself out there type,” was relieved by this. I did not take the job hunting seriously(which would haunt me later) after graduation because on top of our collapsing economy, I did not have a clear direction as to what career I wanted to pursue. In the mean time, I had my retail job to keep me afloat.

The pressure cooker came on as months went by and I still seemed to be in the same position. My parents would keep asking me, “Apply to jobs? Apply here, or why don’t you try this?” The famous question by friends and family was, “Well, how’s the job hunt going? What’s the plan?” (I WISH I KNEW) On top of that, I felt like I was being compared to others and was severely critiqued. It got so bad at one point, I really isolated myself for a week or two, because I felt like too many voices were trying to move me in a direction without my consent or consideration. I do not think some people recognize the extreme difficulty of not knowing what you want to do in life, while simultaneously applying to jobs you “think” would be a good fit but you were not 100% sure about. All the while, you are being looked at a certain type of way because you are not further ahead.

As a person of faith, this concept of applying any and everywhere just for the sake of a job and trying to sabotage my every move PLAGUED me, because I wanted nothing more but to hear/obey God’s voice concerning my career. It almost felt like I was forcing my destiny or moving in haste by applying everywhere, only because of the TIMING of where I was. This may be a hard pill for us to swallow but sometimes God may want us to just be still, and to enjoy our current season, without frantically trying to put ourselves in an occupation that was never for us or that he never approved of. There is this huge pressure to get employed to your ideal job right out of college, and though that may be the reality for some, it is not realistic for EVERYONE. I learned that it is okay to isolate yourself and not share your every move, in order to have real clarity from God, that is not influenced by outside opinions. Truth is, not everyone knows what is best for you, (including your parents) and trying to please everyone around you will only cause short-term satisfaction and long-term resentment.

I graduated in May of 2020 and it has marked a year since graduation, and I still work at my retail job. It can feel a bit intimidating at times, because I feel as if I am behind others and should be in a different place. While I am extremely grateful to have my retail job after almost two years, I even deal with the impatient emotions of wanting to be further ahead which causes me to diminish my present moments, giving rise to irritation and frustration. All the while, having to remember to trust the process. Not really seeing a way, but having to trust what God already knows, despite how hopeless, tired, and sad, I sometimes feel. I have to constantly remind myself of God’s promises and allow him to work in and through me. That is what keeps me going.

If you look through my camera roll, there are several pictures of myself, crying. I like to take pictures of myself when I cry so that I could look back and see how GOD COMES THROUGH(which He always does). I encourage you to try it because it never fails. I had many dark, lonely days where I would just stare into space in my bedroom and do nothing, feeling paralyzed, inadequate, and stuck. Feeling trapped in a static atmosphere, and not being able to move. Feeling guilty and comparing myself to everyone around me. I cannot tell you the amount of times I have cried because of how much of a failure I felt I was(worst feeling ever) for not being further ahead in my career journey. My thoughts were “well so and so is already in their career.” “So and so is doing much better than me.” I did not realize how painful it really was to truly find your way. They never tell you that college is really just one of the foundations of your career journey, but not necessarily your manual guide.  At one point, I really felt so ashamed and that my worth was tied to whatever job I would get, that I felt in my head that I could not be happy or enjoy my current season, until I got my job, which is terribly toxic. 

Everyday, I would go on Indeed, LinkedIn, Glassdoor, etc, and it would be the same tedious task. There was not much options for me, or what I was looking for, and there is this guilt that comes with that. If I do not apply I am being, “picky”, “too soft and shy”, or “small-minded,” when in reality I just knew some of those jobs were not for me and I’d be miserable if I worked there. I still applied to many jobs but it just felt like I was doing it to say “I applied.” On top of all of that, most of these “entry-level jobs” required YEARS of experience, which did not help anything. I could feel the mockery and shame in my head every-time another month passed and I still was in the same place career-wise. Mentally, it has just been draining and a true test of my faith. 

Well let me just say, thank God for GOD. He has been my rock, and has taught me so much through this experience. He has taught me: my worth does not come from a job, it comes from HIM, but I have to seek HIM first, and the rest will follow. I can be content in where I am, while looking forward to what is to come, and I had to learn not to allow the timing of my journey, to discourage, belittle, or define me. I had to remember that every single moment was precious, and nothing was wasted. Even in the most mundane moments where I felt purposeless and seemed as if nothing was happening for me, God was divinely working everything for my good. 

In October of 2020, I got his strange desire to pursue a Masters and Ph.D.  Let me tell you, that was not in my plans when I graduated in May. As far as I was concerned, I was DONE with school, unless I had a real reason to go back. I started to think back to the undergrad courses that I significantly enjoyed every second of: Intro to Creative Writing, African-American Literature after 1900, Caribbean Studies, and Womanifesto: Black Women Writers. I fell in love with the authors, poems, literature, messages, and historical significance that these classes offered. It was like a spark ignited within me, and it was not something I could just ignore. Because I was iffy about my direction during college, I did not give it much thought, and assumed my path would just find me, BUT that is the thing about your destiny: you cannot run away from it, no matter how scared or in-denial you are. Flash forward in October, I realized that writing and reading literature is a passion of mine and I should pursue a career around it. I thought, “I could totally see myself being a professor for creative writing and african-american/caribbean literature, being that those are subjects I am extremely passionate about. I also have this strong desire to impact others. This is an on-going journey and my revelation has not fully manifested yet, but I say all of this to say, do not allow the timing of your journey to discourage or define you. If you are trying to figure out your passion or calling, it will come to you naturally, because it is already inside of you. Prioritizing God is the first step in figuring out your destiny and what steps to take. Allow God to lead you, and trust him, despite the timing of your journey or how you feel. It is never too late and with God, there is nothing you cannot accomplish. Keep going.