WHAT I AM LEARNING IN MY SEASON OF WAITING

   Part of 2020 and even this year for me was painful in many ways, one of the reasons being I was not seeing much change in my circumstances/life. Everyday I would go to my retail job, do the same tasks, come back home, and start over again, with job hunting, applying, research, and just trying to make the most use of my time. Not much changed, though as days and months went by. I often felt purposeless and just like a waste because I was not in my career yet, or really living life. I did not go out a lot and it was tempting to look at other people and feel inadequate, but let me tell you, though my outer life looked bleak, my INNER/SPIRITUAL LIFE was BLOOMING. Let’s get into it.

My circumstances forced me to run to God. I was getting pressure from my parents about my career, which I was still unsure about. I was being compared to others, and felt ridiculed/attacked, not just concerning my career, but my personality and being. The biggest voice I heard in my head last year and this year was, “YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH.” “I am not confident enough, I am not tough enough, I am not social enough, I am not ambitious enough and that is why I am where I am.” I know that was not God’s voice, but it affected me negatively, causing shame and feelings of unworthiness. I felt like I blew it for myself, because I was not where I wanted to be, or did enough, and it seemed like many others were way ahead because they were all of the traits, I was not. I felt like a loser. I am not writing this as a victim, but just trying to show you how even through all of that, there was purpose, and God was still on the throne.              

 LESSON #1: TRUE SATISFACTION, PURPOSE, & WORTH COMES FROM GOD.

     I already knew this but my actions were not lining up with it. I allowed my circumstances and other people’s opinions to steal my sense of purpose and joy. The world’s theology is so twisted and has us thinking that our purpose/worth comes from what we do/have, but that is far from the truth. Purpose/worth does not come from what you do, how popular you are, your relationship status, how much connections you have, how successful you are, etc but it derives from EXISTING with God, wherever you are! God was not looking at me like I was purposeless because I was not in my career yet or who I wanted to be yet. In His eyes, I was still in His purpose, EXISTING and doing what he called me to do in this season, which to me seemed small and did not feel significant, but it was significant to Him. I had many unproductive days, and did not feel like I was making much progress in my life, but that did not mean I was not in purpose. My outer life was looking very bleak and hopeless. However, through all of that, God was more concerned with what He was doing IN me, which was maturing, strengthening, and molding me( I felt like I was being CRUSHED), but there was PURPOSE in it. More was happening than what I could physically see! Outer fruit will never come without inner-transformation. There is this huge rush to feel validated by being in your career quickly or just feeling relevant based on superficial outside appearances, but in hind-sight that will never make you spiritually satisfied. Spiritual satisfaction is NECESSARY in order to excel in life. This season taught me, whether I am doing nothing, or everything, I am still in God’s purpose, precious in His eyes, and what He is doing in me is infinitely more important than how I feel or appear to others. I also learned that watering my spirit with God’s truth would be the only way I could experience real joy, satisfaction, and success. I had to remind myself that my worth came from Him alone, no exceptions. God met me where I was, and I was able to experience his abundance and still enjoy this season, even though I was not where I wanted to be or who I wanted to be, yet. Even when I am where I want to be, doing what I have been called to do, that still cannot define me and will not satisfy me. Spiritual biblical principles has to be your foundation in this ever-changing life, or you will never be satisfied.

God was doing some inner-work in ya girl, and though it felt miserable, it was the most rewarding experience ever. I’M WRITING THIS BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO EXPERIENCE THE SAME! Just because you are not seeing the fruit does not mean your season is a waste: God wastes nothing! Don’t be too consumed with outside appearances, just focus on your spiritual growth. Keep going and remember in God’s eyes, YOU ARE ENOUGH, PERIOD!

      LESSON #2: BE CONTENT & GRATEFUL WHILE LOOKING FORWARD TO WHAT IS TO COME

     You do not need to wait for a special occasion to enjoy your life. We tend to overly romanticize our future, while dimming the light on our present. Your present is just as valuable as your future, even if it does not feel like it. You will see in the end that every season was NECESSARY to get you to where you ultimately want to be. Enjoy your process! Embrace your everyday routines like your drive or walk to work, doing the laundry, cooking your food, or watching a movie! Play some music while you do your chores or brush your teeth (I SURE DO!) Take yourself out on a museum date, read a new novel or go to a restaurant with a friend. Also, there is so much to be grateful for, and when you remember all of your blessings, it changes your attitude! I learned the most this season that my circumstances were not the reason I was unhappy, but my attitude was the reason I was unhappy. It’s like telling God, “I wont be happy or grateful until I get what I want in the timing that I want it,” and you miss out on so many blessings with that kind of attitude. It is selfish! Everyday is a gift, and once we change our attitude, our outlook of life changes, and we really start to LIVE/ENJOY our moments more, even the littlest of things! If you do not learn to be content in your valley, you won’t be content on the mountain top. Being content and grateful should be a way of life, not just a once-in-a-while thing. Once you master this, you will be happier than ever, and it will be very hard for you to lose your joy, even when things don’t go your way! It is called MATURITY and STABILITY.

How you handle life when it is not going “your way,” is very telling of your character! Even after you have your little breakdowns, which you are totally allowed to have, what do you do next? Move forward and make the best use of your situation/season, or just camp and give up? The choice is ultimately yours.

    This season for me, was not how I pictured it to be in my head, and I did battle with comparison, thinking too far ahead/romanticizing my future, and having several idle days but God helped me to just be still and enjoy this season, while I am still in it. Once I settled down, I realized there were so many GOOD things happening, too, that I could embrace. I am enjoying my singleness and just getting to know/love myself on a deeper level, enjoying being with my family under the same roof, enjoying this free time, enjoying this rest, enjoying my relationships, enjoying my job, enjoying God, and the list goes on. All the while, looking forward to the great things to come. They are BOTH valuable. I am grateful for health, the basic necessities of life, family, friends, God’s protection and provision, and the list will go on forever because there is SO MUCH to be grateful for.

WHAT WILL YOU BE CONTENT AND GRATEFUL FOR IN THE CURRENT SEASON OF YOUR LIFE???

LESSON #3: GROWTH, PATIENCE, & PREPARATION IS VITAL

      I thought I was ready for new beginnings after graduation, but these past two years proved otherwise. I do not think I was where I needed to be for God to take me to another level, yet. I assumed just because I graduated and pressure from others, that I was ready for where God was taking me, but God’s timing is not the same as ours. He sees what we cannot see, and knows what is best for us. I had to keep reminding myself of that, when I was tempted to want to be further.

       I say this because my challenges and darkest moments during this season has made me spiritually stronger and tougher than I’ve ever been. The way God was able to turn around those situations meant to crush me, and use it to elevate and make me more like Him, is mind-blowing. He was growing me up and preparing me for what is to come, through my differing circumstances. However, before these spiritual attacks, I realized in many ways, I was weak in a lot of areas in my spiritual life, and had things gone my way, I do not know if I could handle the challenges that would come. Life does not get any easier, and we need to grow spiritually and commit to God’s process, in order to overcome and excel.

     Maybe you are not where you want to be because God still has work to do in you and on your character. He is molding you, preparing you, and getting you ready, because what you think your life will be, is not the reality of what it will really be! God knows the challenges to come, and what we will have to deal with, the higher we go in Him, and that is why it is important to constantly be committed to growth, and God’s process, despite how hard it gets or how long it takes (ASK JOSEPH) in order to become all the God has destined you to become, (Oh my goodness, I feel like a preacher LOL) but real talk, God’s way is the best way.

Patience is virtue. It is so hard sometimes, because you just want everything NOW, NOW NOW! But patience has taught me, self-discipline(delayed gratification), and just enjoying God in my present moments. When we are impatient, we diminish the present. Learning to be present brings so much peace, because you are just focusing on the now, and trusting God with the rest. You won’t be trippin’ when things are not happening as fast as you want, because you know there is a reason!      

I hope this helped someone. Your darkest seasons is leading you to a very bright future. Do not be discouraged when things are taking longer or not going your way. God has a purpose for it all, and will see you through. One thing I always remind myself: enjoy the calm and the chaos: there is value in both.